Out Of The Shadow And Into Clarity

In the valley of the shadow of death, (Psalm 23) great things can happen. In the valley . . . you find out what you're really made of. You find out the true measure of your spiritual depth, and you find out that you are NOT alone! As you walk out of the "shadow," which is really just the perception or allusion of death, but not truly death; one realizes there is a vast green valley with lush fields and gentle streams of life all around you.

Last night, I had such an experience.  After crying on and off for several hours, feeling very alone . . . very "cast off" from God . . . I went to bed. I tossed and turned for 45 minutes and then got back up. I went straight to my office, grabbed a bible and found myself in Revelation, of all places! I love the book of Revelation. It isn't a story of doom and gloom. It's a story of salvation and the strong, powerful arm of God. It's a story of a redeemer who is about to set things straight and fulfill prophetic Word and promises of God. To say nothing of being the only book that comes with a blessing, just for reading it! Anyway, right there in chapter one came the breeze - that began blowing away the shadow that had been blinding me for some months. Read for yourself:

"John, to the seven churches that are in Asia: Grace to you and peace from him who is and who was and who is to come, and from the seven spirits who are before his throne, and from Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To him who loves us and freed us from our sins by his blood, and who made us to be a kingdom, priests serving his God and Father, to him be glory and dominion forever and ever, Amen. Look! He is coming with the clouds; every eye will see him, even those who pierced him; and on his account all the tribes of the earth will wail. So it is to be. Amen. I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty."

Wow! What jumped off the page to me was this. Here is a word from Jesus Christ, "the faithful witness" to me . . . I represent one of the 7 churches (seven, being a number of completeness, including the complete church . . . of which, I am one). In Jesus' faithfulness, He speaks to ME. What He has to say was a reminder. He set me free from my sins by His blood. OK, yes . . . but this is the juicy part . . . He set me free in order that I might be something -- do something . . . what you ask? To be a kingdom and a priest! That got me to thinking. What is it, to be a kingdom? As I reflected, I was very impressed that a kingdom simply is a dwelling place of the King, where all his royal subjects worship the Majesty. I am yesterdays "holy habitation" of the Lord. I am NOT cast off! God is not far away . . . in fact, God is dwelling in the land of my heart, my soul, my spirit and I am His priest. Being a priest requires that I be "set apart" that there is something different about me than the rest of the world. That I enter into holy places, on behalf of others and myself. But, that I do so "prepared" to be in that holy place. Sweeping away - all that might separate me from His Royal Majesty; washing away any attitude, any thoughts, any self-delusions and any work of the enemy that might "shadow" His glory, in me!

Dwelling in this awareness brought me to new tears. Tears of refreshment as I realigned my priorities, tears of washing that remove both the speck and the log in my own eye; and tears of renewal as I remembered that I am His princess in the land, not a slum-lord, not a peasant, not a tenant . . . but a princess with an inheritance, a dowry, and a promise! The Alpha and Omega, the Almighty has NOT completed what He began in me. So, I dwell in this space on earth, in the tension between the "here and now" and the "there and then" of time. Until I get there, then . . . I have a job to do. My position as princess of the land, isn't to lay around in self-pity, whining about what I don't have . . . it is to stand strong, and fight the enemies that are crouching at the door and possess the land. Possession always requires a fight!

So, last night I began again the fight that is never over in this life for the territory of my spiritual life; since the adversary is always seeking a crack to squeeze into in order to regain ground. I went back to bed and fell asleep praying in the spirit, both in consciousness and unconsciousness . . . and I awoke seeing beyond the "shadow of death," and into the presence of God!

Why So Downcast O My Soul?

There are days when I wish I could just unzip my heart and head and pour it all out on the table. I'd love to see the cacophony of emotion, feelings, and thoughts dumped out like puzzle pieces . . . but, from the outside. I wonder if I could make sense of it better from that perspective? Am I crazy? Is this a barrage of hormones gone mad, like a ravenous dog infected with rabies, running without direction, ready to snap and bite as though everything and anything were an intrusion into its easily ruffled sensibilities?

Then, always on the heels of this jumbled up mess of emotion comes the question laden guilt. Guilt over how I have a right in the first place to feel so pitiful and downcast, when my best friend has cancer and she isn't complaining. How can I feel so filled with self, when the 14 year old son of mu cousin has cancer, and his faith, to say nothing of her own, is strong and courageous. How dare I feel so alone, when there are women whose husbands are in harms way protecting my freedom, and any moment she could be left alone . . . truly alone. Who am I after all to even entertain this sadness over always having done the "right thing," set the "right example," and responded in the "right way," and the payoff is like a slap in the face. Let me explain.

Years ago, I stayed married to a "drug-loving" man because it was the "right thing to do," if you're a "Christian woman." I finally left that situation after 17 long and painful years, and faced the "scarlet D" (divorce) that the church placed on me. I protected my children from this influence, only to watch them embrace him in their adult years. They all live either in the same house, or the same town . . . sharing Sunday dinners and family holidays together . . . and me? No family, no children, no grandchildren, anywhere close. My dream is being fulfilled by the "bad guy." Why God? I worked 2 and 3 jobs all my life to raise those children without so much as a dime (during those days) from him or anyone else . . . and he gets the pay-off? How is that fair, Lord? Why am I being deprived of the very thing that is the most important to me? Where is justice? Where is my reward? Do I have to wait until heaven to receive it? Because, that stinks!!

Oh, yes . . . it just gets worse. Some think that ministers don't have these shallow, self-absorbed feelings . . . well - we do. Some would think that I'm always so strong, so independent, so self-assured . . . yeah . . . right! I feel like David in Psalm 43. I can imagine he must have felt just like I do right now! He too, was human and yet, he was so beloved by God his creator . . . and so am I! Listen to his words.

"Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people; from those who are deceitful and unjust, deliver me! For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you cast me off? Why must I walk about mournfully because of the oppression of the enemy? O send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling. Then I will go the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and I will praise you with the harp O God, my God. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God."

(NRSV)

Get this. Here is David, on one hand he declares that God is a refuge . . . and on the other he declares he is cast off! And, quite frankly, David has had enough! He is no longer going to remain silent about his feelings of God's distance, so David is pouring out his list of grievances before God. He has questions about finding himself so far away from God's holy hill . . . and then, just as he gets that said, he questions his own heart and his own mind by saying; "why so down cast, O my soul." And, vio'la . . . he comes up with the right answer "Put your hope in God."

That is always the right answer when God is silent. It's the right answer when I feel like life has been unfair. It's the right response when I feel downcast and alone. The right answer is ALWAYS to put my hope in God. It's the right answer whether or not I understand it, whether or not I like it, and even more importantly . . . whether I feel the presence of God . . . or not. I put my hope In God!!

David's relationship with his Heavenly Father was close enough to pour out self-pity, but also close enough to know NOT to dwell there long. He knew that to dwell there for any length of time, was to be ensnared by the fowler . . . the enemy . . . satan. Ultimately, don't all those who love the Lord, want to be found pleasing to Him? Of course we do. I certainly do . . . and therefore, I too, know NOT to dwell in self very long . . . because it truly is, willfully stepping into a trap, set exclusively for me, by the one who despises Christ in me.

Lord God, keep me from the snare of the fowler. I put my hope in You and I praise Your name . . . my rock and my redeemer, my help and my God!