Why So Downcast O My Soul?

There are days when I wish I could just unzip my heart and head and pour it all out on the table. I'd love to see the cacophony of emotion, feelings, and thoughts dumped out like puzzle pieces . . . but, from the outside. I wonder if I could make sense of it better from that perspective? Am I crazy? Is this a barrage of hormones gone mad, like a ravenous dog infected with rabies, running without direction, ready to snap and bite as though everything and anything were an intrusion into its easily ruffled sensibilities?

Then, always on the heels of this jumbled up mess of emotion comes the question laden guilt. Guilt over how I have a right in the first place to feel so pitiful and downcast, when my best friend has cancer and she isn't complaining. How can I feel so filled with self, when the 14 year old son of mu cousin has cancer, and his faith, to say nothing of her own, is strong and courageous. How dare I feel so alone, when there are women whose husbands are in harms way protecting my freedom, and any moment she could be left alone . . . truly alone. Who am I after all to even entertain this sadness over always having done the "right thing," set the "right example," and responded in the "right way," and the payoff is like a slap in the face. Let me explain.

Years ago, I stayed married to a "drug-loving" man because it was the "right thing to do," if you're a "Christian woman." I finally left that situation after 17 long and painful years, and faced the "scarlet D" (divorce) that the church placed on me. I protected my children from this influence, only to watch them embrace him in their adult years. They all live either in the same house, or the same town . . . sharing Sunday dinners and family holidays together . . . and me? No family, no children, no grandchildren, anywhere close. My dream is being fulfilled by the "bad guy." Why God? I worked 2 and 3 jobs all my life to raise those children without so much as a dime (during those days) from him or anyone else . . . and he gets the pay-off? How is that fair, Lord? Why am I being deprived of the very thing that is the most important to me? Where is justice? Where is my reward? Do I have to wait until heaven to receive it? Because, that stinks!!

Oh, yes . . . it just gets worse. Some think that ministers don't have these shallow, self-absorbed feelings . . . well - we do. Some would think that I'm always so strong, so independent, so self-assured . . . yeah . . . right! I feel like David in Psalm 43. I can imagine he must have felt just like I do right now! He too, was human and yet, he was so beloved by God his creator . . . and so am I! Listen to his words.

"Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people; from those who are deceitful and unjust, deliver me! For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you cast me off? Why must I walk about mournfully because of the oppression of the enemy? O send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling. Then I will go the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and I will praise you with the harp O God, my God. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God."

(NRSV)

Get this. Here is David, on one hand he declares that God is a refuge . . . and on the other he declares he is cast off! And, quite frankly, David has had enough! He is no longer going to remain silent about his feelings of God's distance, so David is pouring out his list of grievances before God. He has questions about finding himself so far away from God's holy hill . . . and then, just as he gets that said, he questions his own heart and his own mind by saying; "why so down cast, O my soul." And, vio'la . . . he comes up with the right answer "Put your hope in God."

That is always the right answer when God is silent. It's the right answer when I feel like life has been unfair. It's the right response when I feel downcast and alone. The right answer is ALWAYS to put my hope in God. It's the right answer whether or not I understand it, whether or not I like it, and even more importantly . . . whether I feel the presence of God . . . or not. I put my hope In God!!

David's relationship with his Heavenly Father was close enough to pour out self-pity, but also close enough to know NOT to dwell there long. He knew that to dwell there for any length of time, was to be ensnared by the fowler . . . the enemy . . . satan. Ultimately, don't all those who love the Lord, want to be found pleasing to Him? Of course we do. I certainly do . . . and therefore, I too, know NOT to dwell in self very long . . . because it truly is, willfully stepping into a trap, set exclusively for me, by the one who despises Christ in me.

Lord God, keep me from the snare of the fowler. I put my hope in You and I praise Your name . . . my rock and my redeemer, my help and my God!